This is replacing some of the past years posts about my family. It is a summery of them.
In my family it seems too late for a lot of things. I lost my family long ago, due to the targeting against me inside of it.
Lately I've realized that I have to let go of my fantasy of the targeting stopping and my family pulling together to heal from it. And this hurts a lot.
I have also been facing the reality of how much my family has been involved in the process of targeting me. Among other things I have undergone severe levels of psychological abuse, which began with what appears to have been fabricated emails as well as other cruel games, in order to make me and other family members think that I am insane. It appears that BOTH of my sisters and my niece and nephew were directly involved in this process. Eventually my whole family was convinced that I am crazy. And then there were aims to deprive me of financial help and force me into an institution, after the targeting shoved me into destitution.
Me being hurt by the hateful jealousy in my sisters has been a life long problem, but it hit horribly abusive levels around the end of 2002. A good psychologist told me, in 2003, that I had to stay away from my sister for the sake of my safety. I realized that she was right. But the sad truth ended up being that it was not only her, but also all of the people whom BOTH of my sisters were manipulating against me, that I had to stay away from. By the summer of 2004 it became my whole family that I had to stay away from for the sake of my safety and freedom. :-(
In recent years I have reconnected with some of them, from a safe distance, but the danger is still great for me, perhaps even worse now because of those distant connections. However, doing so has helped me to face things that I needed to face. Things were even worse than I had initially wanted to face inside my family. Facing this has been a painful process, but I needed to do it.
So much damage has been done, to my relationships with the loved ones, that it seems irreparable, and truly is virtually irreparable under the current conditions. Trust was COMPLETELY lost between me and all of my family members, on BOTH sides. And the targeting of me (inside my family) still continues in various ways although it has become more subtle since I started publicly writing about it and since I did a bit of a stand in a letter to my siblings about a year ago.
I feel that some members of my family were acting upon their own free will (at least partly) in hatefilled efforts to slander me and terrorize me and ruin my relationships with my other loved ones, which has always been an aim of my sisters inside the family. Some of my other family members appear to be severe mind control victims who are unwittingly used against me. And some fall between these two catagories.
Inside my own family I have been being slandered and betrayed and harassed and hurt and terrorized and lied about so severely that I do not know if I will ever feel comfortable being close to any of them or be able to trust any of them ever again. Some SURLY do not deserve my trust and I'd be a fool to give it to them. But the ones who are unwitting mind control victims would deserve my trust IF they were free and IF they were aware of the truth and if they were able to find their hearts again. But this seems like it would take miracles to really happen, at this point. My heart has ached for them too.
What my family has been doing to me sometimes feels like the worse part of the targeting I've experienced - the axe cuts much deeper when it is swung by the people we love.
But its not fair for me to blame only my sisters, because it was not only them. There have been many members of my family whose jealousy or egos have wanted to tear me down or hide the truths. And I feel that the primary thing, that is most responsible for this ongoing dysfunctional state of my family, is the pharmaceutical and/or radio wave targeting that has blocked the hearts and instincts of my loved ones at critical times. Without this evil targeting of the whole family, the dark manipulations, performed by the hatfilled jealousy in my older sisters, would not have been nearly as successful, especially since their jealousy of me and their tendencies toward unkind behaviors, had been well known throughout the family, prior to 2003.
With some of the ones who were manipulated against me I am not sure how much of their negative attitudes toward me was due to the pharmaceutical and radio wave mind control and how much was vengeance or intentional. But I guess it does not matter much anymore. In my heart I want to make excuses for them, but I also must care about me; the bottom line is that no matter what motivates the nagativity against me, it is still hurtful to me and not good for me, especially now when I am struggling with homelessness and other parts of the ongoing targeting.
I was once in the classic family caregiver role in my family, because my love for them ran deep. Due to my sisters behaviors, and other parts of the targeting, I have now been seperate from my family through most of my adult life. This has been very difficult for me, because I was a family person.
In 2002, after my youngest brother's sudden death, I was getting closer to my father and brothers. But my sisters did not want me getting closer to them. It has become evident that part of the reason was due to my father gaining a lot more money than he'd previously had, and his desire to have my oldest brother and I be the executors of his will, because he knew that we were the pair who would be the most fair and honest and with no conflicts bretween us. What my sisters did to me and my father, in order to destroy my father's trust in me and gain control of his money and his estate, in his vulnerable old age, has had me extremely worried about my father.
The initial parts of their last big drive against me may have hurt my father even more than it hurt me. I will never forget the pain I heard in his voice after he read the things they fabricated and had him convinced that it was me who wrote them. This was right after he had lost his youngest son in a vehicle "accident" and was already suffering miserably! How could anyone be so cruel!!!!????!!!!, is what my heart had screamed at that time. I cried hard for both of us, but not enough. I still carry a lot of the pain of that event and its effects on my father and I and everyone else who needed to retain their trust in me. I really did deserve their trust too - I was not insane and not at all what my sisters had projected onto me and convinced people of. The damage that has been done by this alone is astronomical. What they did should be illegal. It truly is a horrid crime.
My sisters seem to not be capable of even really caring about my father and they are the ones who are making decisions for him in his old age as well. This gross lack of care for him is VERY evident in the ways they have intentionally destroyed his relationships with me and other people who love him and do genuinely care about him! I find what they have done to him VERY disturbing, to say the least. But there is nothing I can do about it - I can not even get close to my father at this point. Among other things, he feels uncomfortable with me, due to being convinced that I am "evil" and "insane"...etc. Due to other parts of the targeting it would not be safe for either one of us, if I went to his home, especially not for me. Not being able to be there for my father in his old age, like I had promised him I would be when I was in my teens, is VERY difficult for me. But I have now excepted this sad reality.
It seems like my whole family is all twisted up in hell and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, not directly anyway, because I can not be there inside the family. This type of blog post and my stand against the general targeting and my other writings is all I can do at this point.
It appears that my family members have been doing some cover-ups. One has even recently said she wanted to back out of being an executor of my father's will, in efforts to cover up what they have done, AFTER I started exposing it last year. But this makes no difference in a family that can be manipulated. I have no doubt that my sisters will, one way or another, get what they want, if they havn't already...and my father and others who were manipulated, will be left with wounds that need to be realized and healed. The rest of us were deprived of each other's love and trust and support...etc, with cruel fabrications and evil games. Its a horrible and painful situation.
Aside from my family of origin, I have two children. But I slowly started losing them after one of my sisters viciously said, "I am going to see to it that your children hate you," and then BOTH of my sisters began acting on it. As the targeting of me got really bad, both of my children became mind control victims and were being manipulated away from me in various ways. One was severely controlled after sustaining what appeared to be a microwave attack that caused brain damage. And the other has been manipulated at strategic times. I have been mostly separated from both of my children since 2011 and this is my greatest pain. I now have four grandchildren whom I have never met and this is also excruciating for me. When I think of those children I wonder if they are free and I feel that they are not free and are not fully who they were born to be and this is the saddest thing of all.
I hope we ALL regain our freedom, and that we can heal from what has been done to us... and that my daughters and I can work at regaining trust in each other and let our hearts re-unite and be as close as they used to be. But this seems extremely unlikely, at this point too, especially since my sisters appear to have helped with ongoing manipulations of at least one of my children. It seems like we do not even know each other anymore. :-(
But will the miracle of freedom ever even really happen in our lifetimes? Only time can tell.
I do have hope for the future, but I must be realistic. If the miracle of freedom happens for my family, I'd need peaceful time to heal and recover BEFORE I started taking steps toward getting closer to any of them, because I am so severely beaten down at this point and would need to focus on regaining some of my strength first. The past year has proven this to me. I can forgive them and even already have to a large degree with some of them, but I matter too and I should not be hurt anymore and I should NOT be forced into places where I do not feel safe or comfortable, before I have a chance to regain at least some of my strength and balance...and there should actually be absolutely no force at all - my re-uniting with and getting closer to some of my family members should be done in my own way and in my own time and not be controlled or manipulated by anyone else.
Since I have been forced into destitution and held trapped in a homeless state, there have been attempts to force me into living with family members who have been being manipulated and can be easily used against me in various ways including to deliver mental abuse and aims to have me imprisoned in an insane asylum even though some of them know that I am not insane and do not belong there. This has been tried before and it would not be safe or good for me at all, and it would not be good for the unaware ones who are used against me either.
My whole family is a VERY dangerous and unhealthy place for me under the current conditions. And even if all the targeting were suddenly exposed and stopped, and all of my unaware and manipulated family members were informed of the truth, I would not instantly feel comfortable there. In the event of the miracle of freedom and awareness, it is not them I'd turn to as I aimed to recover from the horrid conditions that THEY have helped to hold me trapped in for over a decade now, because I would not feel safe or comfortable with them and I require more functionality than my family now capable of - they would not be able to support me on the levels I'd need. I wish the situation were different, but it isn't and can't be, at this point.
The targeting has caused a LOT of damage in my family for a VERY long time now and it will take a lot of time for recovery from it. And UNfortunately time has been running out for us.
I think its too late for my elderly father to ever realize the truths and resolve things with me and his other children in this lifetime. This is VERY sad for both him and me. But my consolation is that I believe he will be shown the truths beyond this lifetime. I smile when I think of this - its like my form of revenge against my sisters - to tell them that he will know the truth someday - they will not get away with it forever. But how sad for ALL of us that their hate and selfishness and jealousies have gotten away with so much in this lifetime and has hurt so many people.
In the event of freedom from the targeting and awareness spreading I am sure I will want to fully open the doors to some individual family members, AFTER I have regained a lot of my strength and recovered to some degree, but I would need to re-connect slowly and not with all of them at once. My daughters are the first on my list, IF the miracle of freedom and awareness ever really happens. Its been heart wrenching for me to think it won't happen in time for what is left of us, but I have to face reality.
I have always known that things can not be resolved in my family, while the general targeting is still happening. My fantasy was just in the event that the targeting was stopped and exposed. Now I know it can not quickly happen even under those best of conditions and not ever with parts of it. This is the reality that is replacing my "too idealistic" fantasy of pulling together with and healing with my family if we were all to be set free and become aware. It just can't happen that way...I will have to recover my own strenth BEFORE I even start trying to get closer to any of them.
The truth is that, before the targeting vamped up, the only family member who was ever really a source of support for me was my mother and she died in 1977. My youngest brother was more supportive than the others in some ways and at some times, but he died in 2002. And I can not turn what is left of my family into what I wish it had been for me, no matter how much I need it or want it. I'd just have to accept the way it was and is and do what I have to do to take care of myself and find support elsewhere, like I had through most of my childhood and also in my adult life.
Have you ever lost someone and found yourself grieving the loss of what you never had with that person? This is how I have feel about my family. Another truth is that I am not in very good shape right now. I have been deeply wounded by all aspects of the targeting and am in DEEP need of recovery on every level. If freedom comes; I will have a lot of healing work to do and I will need to do.
I am thankful that I had some good friends and a good counselor/psychologist during those times when my sisters were swinging their axes the hardest. My sisters had tried to sabotage those relationships too, but they were not fully successful in that arena. And I am VERY grateful for this, because I'd be thinking that I am insane too, if they had been. The slandering of my sanity, inside my own family, made me seriously doubt my own sanity on two devastating occasions. I thank God that I had a good psychologist to turn to during both of those times. I cringe when I think of how devastating it is to make a person loose trust in their own sanity. It truly is a horrid crime that needs more exposure and more done to stop it from happening to people.
P.S. I tried to tell my family about the pharmaceutical and radio wave targeting of the whole family in 2012 and in more recent years. But my sisters, manipulating everyone into thinking that I am insane, about a decade before I even realized the targeting, has left my words unbelieved and actually, in their minds, even became proof the fabricated insanity. This is a horrid situation for the whole family, because it deprived them of my help and some of them had deeply needed my help before it was too late. Now it is too late for too much.
I beleive that even the hate filled jealousy in my sisters would not have gotten so cruel and manipulative if they were not also victims of the pharmaceutical and radio wave targeting, although with them it may have been more on the levels of them joining an evil secret society, in order to target me more remotely as well as inside the family. And they definitely would not have been able to convince anyone else of me being "insane" without the mind control part of the targeting aiding this process and without my second oldest sister using her two children to help with the initial invasion of my email account and the fabricated emails they wrote and showed my father. But enough of that. I repeat it because it still echos out from the excruciating pain it inflicted upon me.
I will never know what the heart of my family of origin could have grown into if it had been free - if it had not been stifled with pharmaceuticals and radio waves that interfere with natural feelings and brain function. And this is really sad, because surely at least most of its heart would have grown if it had been free to. The hearts of some family members surely would have even blossomed if I or someone else had been allowed to help them heal from our difficult childhood, like what I had aimed to do in the late 1980s, just before hell fully broke loose the first time around. Over-all its a VERY sad situation for ALL of us. If they ever are free to focus on healing, perhaps my "Embracing Feelings and Healing" book will help them. That's all I can do for them at this point. I hope it reaches at least some of their hearts and that they climb onto a healing path. I hope they will soon be free to embrace their hearts, in this lifetime. I love them still. I just don't want to be hurt by them anymore, especially not now when I feel too severely beaten down. I matter too!
But I love my father and am doing what I can for him, from a safe distance.
