More Difficulties

As I worked on my new "Exposing Emotional Abuse" blog, targeting vamped up on me. Among other things my car was disabled. So I rushed to post this "About me and my Experiences..." page before I was finished with it. I have taken it down and will repost it when it is finished.

P.S. I was able to get my car fixed through hotwiring it. 

Letter to my Father

 I had posted a letter to my father here at a time when I was really upset about my sister upsetting him just to use him against me again. In the letter I begged my father to have more consideration for me and to take a neutral stand between my sisters and I. I was sure that my sisters would not allow our father to get this letter. So, I posted it here. But I have removed it. I'm sure that posting it here did not enable him get it either. And I had decided to not even try to send it to him, even if he had been returned home and allowed to get private mail, because I do not know if it will do any good. I have thought, for a long time now, that it is too late for my father to even just reach the point of being objective with me, because my sisters have had him so manipulated and brainwashed for so long. And this is even more true since his mind started faltering a bit in the past couple years. I had actually accepted this a couple years ago. My father is just not able to get past that mental block. And I think that he can not even be objective about me unless he faces some of the truth about my sisters, which appears to be too painful for him to face, and understandably so.  I think it has been too late for us for a VERY long time now.

Since those two messages, that my sister manipulated my father into leaving on my phone this year, I have had to again accept the fact that my father thinks I am an "evil" and "insane" and "hateful" and "lieing" person, and that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  This hurts, because those things my sisters say about me are not true. But this is not a new pain for me...

This is not a new pain for me.

Its been here since 2003.

And he still can't see.

   No matter how much my heart has wished for a positive shift in my relationship with my father; the bottom line is that I lost him in the beginning of 2003, when his trust in me, and his good opinion of me, was destroyed with fabricated emails and other cruel and manipulative games performed by my sisters. And I did not really expect this to change, at this point, especially since the cruel games are still being played by my sisters and also their children. They will not allow my father to follow his own heart into a neutral stand between them and I, which is all I have ever expected of him in this situation. I do not blame him for not being able to do this, and its easy for me to forgive him, because I know he has not had the freedom to follow hs own heart and instincts.
    The fact that he has been so abused and manipulated, and is now in such a fragile mental state, is actually why I have been fighting so hard for him to have peace in a neutral environment (in his own home where he wants to be) for the rest of his life. I have actually not expected this to make anything better in our relationship. It is just too horribly sad and wrong that he has been manipulated out of his own beloved home and isolated with the most abusive parts of our family in his vulnerable old age. My heart aches for him, even though he thinks so little of me. And I am still standing up for him even though it has put my head on the family chopping block.

Exposing Emotional Abuse Blog

The past couple years of communicating with my family members brought back a lot of painful memories for me, especially the ones where my sisters would fabricate things just to turn my parents against me or to make me feel unloved by my parents, and the ones where they Emotionally Abused our father just to manipulate him against me. But more abuse has also been inflicted upon me, especially since I stood up against my sister's abusive behaviors in efforts to help my father. The Emotional Abuse in my family appears to have gotten worse, instead of better. And this also seems to be the case in the rest of our world. So, I am in the process of writing this new blog for anyone who wants to learn more about Emotional Abuse. Its not totally finished yet, but hopefully it soon will be.

Exposing Emotional Abuse Blog

www.exposingemotionalabuse.blogspot.com

Emotional Abuse

In my research I have found no accurate description for real emotional abuse, but I have created one...

Emotional Abuse; the intentional infliction of emotional pain; doing or saying things to make a person feel hurt, feel sad, feel fearful or feel angry.

In the darkest and most evil parts of our world there has been a desensitization process happening, which blames the victims of emotional abuse, for having feelings, for taking it personally, for being sensitive, for being hurt...and this is too horribly wrong for us to let it continue. It is the abusers who are the ones who are wrong and should be making changes so that humanity can retain the natural human feelings and senses that are needed for the process of growing and evolving into more healthy and whole human beings. Being sensitive is not wrong, but being mean is.

Sharing Names of the Abusers

I have wanted to FULLY stand up, with the names of the most abusive members of my family, because they have freely gotten away with inflicting harm for too long. But I have decided not to publicly share their names on this blog, because there appears to be too many people in our world who tend to seek vengeance against bully's and abusers, instead of supporting positive and healthy solutions. I do not want my sisters and niece and nephew to be targeted, by people like themselves, because two wrongs never made a right. And I do not want them to orchestrate or fabricate targetings, just to blame me for it either. I matter too.

I wish there were more that officials could do to stand up and expose and stop these sorts of horrid abuses and protect the victims of them. We surely need more laws passed to protect victims of evil fabrications and evil manipulations and ALL levels of emotional abuse.

"Nowhere Safe"

The following movie is about a girl who is traumatized by hateful people who pretend to be her saying mean and insulting things about other people on a website. My heart ached all the way through it, even the second time I watched it, because I have experienced a similar thing. But my situation was far worse than this one.

In my situation it was hateful members of my own family pretending to be me in my own email account where they had direct contact with my closest friends and some of my family members. And the worse result was my whole family losing trust in me and trusting members of my family thinking that I am insane and should be imprisoned in an insane asylum, and then later even intentionally depriving me of help, while I was going through a tough time, in order to try to force me into an insane asylum. I had no family member to support me and help me through it, like the girl in this movie did, because it was my whole family who was doing this to me, either directly or through blindly believing the lies that were being written and told about me.
   Aside from the emails, my second oldest sister played cruel games to convince my father that I was insane, so that she could use him to convince other people. In one of these games she called me up and, just before hanging up the phone, she told me that she wanted to kill herself. Then she would not answer her phone. I was out of state, so I called my father to go check on her and be there for her. (He lived near her.) And then she told my father that she was fine and that I made it up. As this hell escalated, BOTH of my sisters called other family members and told them that I was being mean and was making up things against them just to cause trouble, so that none of them would listen to or believe me if I said anything about what THEY were doing to me. And their evil game was VERY effective in my family.
   This was all so severely devastating and hurtful to me that words cannot even begin to describe it. It was far too painful for me to even fully face, at that time. Its something that I will probably never fully get over. The loss of my father's trust and respect, the loss of my brother's trust and respect, and the loss of my family as a whole, in this horrid way, is something that cannot be fixed or undone, especially since there was absolutely no support for me, in any part of my own family, when I stood up and told the truth back when it was happening, and still no support almost twenty years later when I more fully stood up with parts of the truth.

This movie is about school kids, but the hateful lies, that turn other people against the victim, are just as devastating to adults, especially when it causes the loss of their loved ones. For some victims its not just one or two events - for some victims it has been an excruciatingly painful ongoing hateful, evil, hell that destroyed their lives. And it all has to stop. Thanks to movies like this one, which is VERY well done, there is hope for enough awareness to spread, in order to help stop the effectiveness of this horrid abuse, which should be made a prosecutable crime.
   This movie has a good ending, because the victim in it had support in a full stand up with the truth about what happened to her. If only all victims could have such kind and caring support. Unfortunately there is no such happy ending for victims like myself who have no support where the abuse took place and who are STILL accused of being the one who is lying, while the evil hateful abuse continues.

Movie; Nowhere Safe

https://tubitv.com/movies/326926/nowhere-safe?start=true

In the past couple years I returned to my family to stand up for my father, because the most hateful and greedy members of the family were aiming to take advantage of him in his old age. I was not able to help him, due to how much control my two sisters have in the family. Now I am standing up for myself outside of the family. I matter too. Even if not to anyone else, I matter to me.

I stand alone, but I have TRUTH on my side.

One question that needs an accurate answer is; why do so many people blindly believe the lies, instead of using their own common sense and instincts? The cause is at least partly due to the mass distribution of brain and feeling numbing pharmaceuticals. Because so many people are not capable of listening to their own hearts, instincts and common sense, I wish families and schools and work places could have accurate lie detection technologies in radio wave free environments.

Cruel Mind Games

My siblings have been VERY careful about what they put into writing, especially since I had the police knock on my sister's door after she slandered me on the web in 2005. But the abuse is still obvious in many things they have written. In two of the emails, which I got from my second oldest sister's daughter's email account, cruel mind games were played. Below are two quotes from two of those emails...

"If anything, that I have said in this email pissed you off then that is a clear sign to yourself that you need to conduct yourself in a more civilized respectful manner." She wrote this twisted statement at the end of an email she had packed full of fabrications that were VERY OBVIOUSLY designed to hurt and upset my older brother and I. And the TRUTH is that ANY kind and caring and civilized and respectful human being would be upset by a family member being so dishonest and cruel as she was in that email. Even in this closing statement, she fabricated something just to try to make us look bad and feel hurt, AFTER the wrongs that she and my sisters had just done to our father were exposed.

"if it makes you mad then you did what I am accusing you of." She wrote this one in her last email to me. Here she is basically trying to tell me that if what she has said about me upsets me then this means that I am guilty of it, which is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS. ANY kind and caring human being would be VERY upset by a family member being as dishonest and cruel as she was to me in her first email. Having natural human feelings is NEVER wrong and it certainly is NOT an admision of guilt. I was VERY upset by a LOT of her abusive behaviors, because they triggered old pains and added new ones and validated my concern for my father being trapped with such careless and dishonest people who are still isolating him from his other loved ones through fabrications and verbal abuse and emotional abuse.

Sadly, I have witnessed two victims of these sorts of mind games run around pretending that they are not upset and are not bothered by the abuse at all, just because the abuser said it makes them bad or wrong if they have such natural human feelings. This is shocking to me, because nobody likes to be accused of, or degraded for, things they did not do and being emotionally or verbally abused, IS UPSETTING, especially when its things being fabricated against us by family members whom we need to be kind and considerate of our feelings.
   The TRUTH is that any human being, who has a heart and natural human feelings, is going to feel upset/hurt by loved ones fabricating things against them, especially in situations like mine; when such fabrications have already caused a lot of pain and the loss of other loved ones, and especially when they also threaten a person's safety and freedom, like what she and my sisters have been and still are doing to me. Its not just upsetting; such cruelty is actually devastating to the victims of it! What they have done to me has been EXTREMELY hurtful to me and continues to be a threat to my safety and freedom. Its VERY upsetting! There'd be something wrong with me if I did not feel upset by it.

My sister's daughter seems to have learned a LOT from both of my sisters. Until my sisters and their children face and stop their abusive and manipulative behaviors, and have found their hearts, I want absolutely no contact with them, because I do not want to be hurt anymore. I have already been far too hurt by their fabrications and twisted evil manipulative games, throughout most of my life and I must have freedom from it. I told them that I want no more contact from them in my last emails to them, but they have not respected my boundary. In fact, my second oldest sister and her daughter have intentionally repeatedly crashed through my boundaries literally every time I set them. I had to block the cell phone they were using, which was the one they had set up for my father. I wonder if this is why they used his phone instead of theirs, even after I tried switching our communications away from his phone, - so that I'd have to block him, in order to block them.

A VICTIM OF ABUSE FEELING HURT AND ANGRY DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE VICTIM IS GUILTY OR WRONG, IT MEANS THAT THE VICTIM IS A HUMAN BEING WHO HAS NATURAL HUMAN FEELINGS. ITS THE ABUSERS WHO ARE WRONG, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, IN ORDER TO BLAME THEIR VICTIMS.

P.S. The mind games, which declair natural human feelings wrong, is almost like some sort of evil desensitization process. And it just can't continue, because humanity needs MORE HEART - more natural human feelings - MORE COMPASSION, not less.

 

 

My Father's 90th Birthday

My second oldest sister crashed through my boundary to send an email invite to the 90th birthday party she is having in Ohio for our father. I'm sure she sent me the invite just to crash through my boundary, and to let me know that they are permanently keeping our father in Ohio, and to try to prove that she is being good to him and to pretend that she includes me. This is the first time they include me, since around 1990. And them suddenly including me now, right AFTER they finished destroying what was left of my relationship with my father, says a lot. I KNOW that my sisters would not want me to attend, unless they can use the event as a way to dig their claws into me even further than they already have.

If they had any consideration for our father, and his other relationships, they would have brought him to his New Hampshire home for his 90th birthday, because that is where ALL of the rest of his closest loved ones are and that is where he has wanted to be... and also because he is a homebody who has always preferred to not go out for family gatherings.

I wish my father could get what HE would want for HIS 90th birthday, if he were free to make his own choices, instead of only getting what my sister's want to do with him for a 90th birthday show.

In my sister's invite she pretends that her daughter's family's farm, which is practically next door to her, is a "neutral" environment. I doubt anyone else is going to view it that way, especially since her daughter's extreme dishonesty and trouble making tactics in this recent family situation, and due to her own close connection with the farm. But I guess she has convinced herself of it being a "neutral" place OR she wants to convince unaware people that she is making an effort to make it "neutral," even though she isn't really doing this at all, which is just like her manipulative cover-up crap.
   There is no way that I would even consider attending that event, under the current conditions, no matter where it was held, because If my sisters are there, and/or if they still have my father manipulated against me, its NOT a "neutral" environment for me, no matter where it is...and this is just simple obvious TRUTH.
    Them turning my father against me again, in the past year, was the end of what little was left of my father and I's relationship since their last sabotages. And this can't change unless they completely set him free AND he realizes the REAL truth about me, which can not happen under the current conditions where both of my sisters are in complete control of him and his life. I no longer expect this to happen at all. But...

This is my birthday gift to my father; my wish for him to be free of the darkness that has kept him isolated from his most caring loved ones and that now also keeps him isolated from his own beloved home; I wish he were living in his own peaceful home for the rest of his life, with GENUINE neutral and kind help (from outside the family) living there with him, and ALL of his children being in their hearts when they visit him, and him being in his heart with ALL of his children and not being manipulated against any of us. I wish he were free and FULLY aware of what has been happening and healed from it. I wish the whole family were aware and healed.
   It is this freedom and awareness and healing, in the whole family, that I have been praying and hoping for through the past decade. But the past years chain of events make it look beyond impossible now. The darkness has gained too much ground and my father is now even more trapped in it than he ever was and there seems to be no way out for him. It looks like a lost cause, at this point. But I still wish he could have that freedom, awareness and healing and heart in his life. I wish the whole family could have it. I wish all of humanity could have it forever.

If only we were all free of the darkness

And good wishes could come true,

There's so much our hearts could do.

P.S. In my last emails to my family, I VERY clearly told my sister and her children that I WANT ABSOLUTELY NO FURTHER CONTACT FROM THEM. They continued through my phone and so I blocked them. Now they have continued through email as well!

My Microwaved Family

My whole family is aware that I believe we are all victims of microwave targeting. I know that none of them agree with this, and that my belief in it just fuels the families preexisting belief that I am "insane." But this does not mean that it is not happening and that it should not be faced and addressed. This is not an excuse for their abuse, but it is a reason why the disfunction in my family has been worse than the norm and why some members of the family have not been able to stand up against the abuse, instead of being used in it.

When I first tried telling my family about the mind control part of the targeting, in 2012, it was my hope that the family would pull together and stand up against it. And I have since realized that this was impossible, because the level of control is too severe in many of my family members. But I am still standing up with this truth, because it just absolutely has to be known, so that there can be more understanding and compassion for the worse victims of it.
   I feel that some of the confusing hell in my family is due to some family members being put onto the brain and feeling numbing pharmaceuticals that blocks their hearts and enables the microwave mind control to be extremely effective at strategic times. Recently I had tried to deal with this family situation as if this mind control part of the hell was not happening. I even put it out of my own mind and just tried dealing with the family as if it were a normal situation. But this has not felt right, because this view makes the worse victims look like the worse people. I have compensated for this misperception in my writings, but this is not enough. The core problem needs to be known and addressed, especially since, to unaware people, the worse abusers would appear to be the most innocent victims.
   The worse victims in my family are mostly the ones who have been, by nature, the more honest and more caring ones. In my family these types of worse victims are my brothers, my father, and myself. The fact that I avoided ALL pharmaceuticals, since the mid 1980s, helped me to remain more free and this eventually lead me to more awareness...etc., but I still am effected by the microwaves at strategic times. And there are periods of times when I have been drugged against my will.
   One bit of evidence of the mind control has been in two of us spelling my older brother's name with a J instead of a G even though we had always known it was spelt with a G; My father did this and I also did one time when I was drugged by someone who visited me. (My second oldest sister recently did this too, but this was after I had noticed and exposed the mind control programming mistake in the spelling of my older brother's name. So I am not sure what inspired that with her.) There is a lot of other proof of the mind control, but only aware people can see most of it.

The pharmaceuticals appear to not be the only way for the microwave control to happen. Some people appear to be completely enslaved in other ways and I do not know if any of the remaining members of my family are completely enslaved, instead of just being controlled off and on at strategic times, but if anyone is I suspect it may be my younger brother, my second oldest sister's daughter and possibly my father. However, since my older brother went into to the hospital for surgery on his heart in May of 2022 he seems to not be himself even more so than since he was put onto the brain and feeling numbing pharmaceuticals around the late 1980s. His wife also seems to be a severe mind control victim, probably since her surgery several years ago. And my younger brother is OFTEN not the person I knew when he was a child. I believe that he has recently been being manipulated and used by my oldest sister, to a massive degree, and that she is fine with him taking the blame for what SHE has him do.
   I believe that my oldest sister was probably more controlled since birth and has been used against the rest of us in many ways, throughout all of our lives... and even in the current situation where I believe she is the primary ring leader who cruelly uses my other sister and younger brother and lets them take the blame. If she has not been controlled for that long she was just naturally extremely abusive and selfish and greedy since birth. I'm not sure which one it is. I think that my second oldest sister suffers from a combination of being a mind control victim and the results of being more severely abused than the rest of us, (by our mother and older sister) in her early childhood. She has an extremely dark side to her nature and always has. And it appears to have gotten worse throughout her adult life. I had always avoided my oldest sister and have been also staying away from my other sister through most of my adult life.
   Lately I have been avoiding verbal conversations with both of my brothers, because the mind control seems to vamp up on my older brother when I talk to him and the result is not good for either of us, especially not for me, because it seems to make him angry and when he's angry he lashes out. And my younger brother is often in a very dark place, especially when it comes to this whole situation with our father. He was the first to openly try to have my father removed from his own home against his will and I think he was manipulated into doing this, by my sisters.
   Through this last round of hell, where my sisters took my father from the home he wanted to remain in for the rest of his life and isolated him in Ohio, I have been begging my brothers and second oldest sister to be in their hearts, but they have not seemed capable of doing this. And some of them even now view my pleas as me wrongly doing guilt trips or me telling them that they are "heartless"...etc. I have not been able to reach their hearts and they now even make me wrong for trying to. Its become a hopeless situation. It appears that my heart has no place on either side of that battle in my family. Unfortunately the pharmaceuticals and microwaves HAVE been making them FAR too heartless, especially at times when compassion is needed most and this has been creating a LOT of suffering, especially for my father and I.
     The last I heard they were fighting over who was going to have power of attorney over his money, instead of just bring him home and doing right by him. NONE of us should have that power of attorney and we should ALL just be seeing to it that his wishes are honored and that he lives out the rest his life in peace and in his own home where he wants to be, but this is not what has been happening on either side of that battle. I have been far too alone in my stand for my father, and Iwas in no condition to being doing it - I was FAR too overwhelmed with other things before this round of the family hell began. So I have not done a very good job of it either. I have felt that my older brother is the one who can save our father, but it appears that he has been being too microwaved at strategic times, and I strongly suspect that he has also been being negatively influenced by our younger brother, in the same ways that our younger brother has been a been trying to influence me against our father through the past year or so. Its a hell of a mess.

Freedom from the microwaves and pharmaceuticals has to be gained, and they ALL need to find and use their hearts, before any of the problems have a chance of even just starting to be resolved in the family. It will be horribly sad if this continues to not happen in time for my father to pass on in peace, in his own home, where ALL of his children can be there for him without it causing problems.

Lately I wake in tears almost every morning because there is nothing I can do to help my father or other family members to be free of the hell they are trapped in. I have been saying that my father is trapped in hell, but its not only him - its ALL of us that are trapped in the hell that the pharmaceutical and microwave targeting creates. One of the worse long term effects is how it prevents growth - how it keeps people stuck in dark ruts that they would normally climb out of, if they were free to. I am separate from the family, but still have been trapped in the hell, just in a different way. But my heart is still with my family and it aches for them, especially the ones who are unaware victims.

P.S. I owe my second oldest sister and her children an apology for putting all the blame on them, for last May's sabotagings in the family. My younger brother also played a role in that and I have not said much about this, because with him I feel 100% certain that it is only because he is a severe mind control victim and I feel certain that, if he were free he'd have done the opposite, because by nature he had had a good heart, back when I knew him in the 1970s and 1980s. Aside from the microwaves, I think he is often manipulated by my oldest sister. And I feel that my oldest sister played a HUGE role in that last round of sabotages, which aimed to traumatize and isolate our father, even though (from a distance and even up close) it looks like she had nothing to do with any of it at all. I think she is actually the ring leader in the premeditated scheme to isolate my father from his other loved ones in his vulnerable old age.

P.S.S. I carry a LOT of pain due to how my family members have treated me since around 1990, and especially since around 2003. The trauma they put me through in 2003 and 2004 was so severe that I had buried it. But the memories and pain have been re-surfacing since I re-connected with my older brother a couple years ago. In the past couple years I had been standing up against some of the abuse in the family the first time. I was not ready for that stand, because I am still in too much pain and am also too overwhelmed with other things, but I felt that I had to do it for my father. Did it help my father at all? Probably not.
   After this last time that I distanced myself from the family I started looking back over the past four months and it looks like my stand may have even made things worse for my father, due to the current state of the family. None of them are ready to even look at what they have done or what they are still doing. My stand definitely made things a lot worse for me, but I knew it would. It would have been worth the suffering it caused me if it had helped at lease my father and brothers. But it now appears that it didn't at all. I am feeling sorry that I even tried.
   I should have known that it was futile under the current conditions, especially since I had to do a crazy balancing act where I was confronting the problems, but also trying to help my family to steer around the problems in this situation with my father. The only way to steer around the problems is for my father to have remained in his own home, and provided with decent NEUTRAL help there for him, so that us siblings could avoid each other when visiting him. But my sisters - the ones who created the worse of the problems in their aims to take control of our father's life, will not allow this to happen.
   It appears that I have just finished losing my father to my sisters hate and greed and sadistic aims to inflict more pain and suffering upon BOTH my father and I. And this is FAR worse than a physical death for me.

I Tried and I Cried

I tried everything I could do to help my father be permanently returned to his own home, where he has wanted to remain for the rest of his life; “Until my last breath,” he himself had said about year ago. First I tried reaching my sister’s hearts. After that was met with a negative reaction, I tried kindly standing up in the whole family. Then I tried blatantly and honestly confronting the whole situation in the whole family. This was met with one supportive comment from my older brother and an EXTREMELY dishonest, hateful and mean response from my sister’s household. I tried giving my sisters an ultimatum and sending reports to law enforcement in Ohio. But this was met with them threatening to prove me insane. I was even going to offer to sign my share of my inheritance over to my sisters if they would just let our father stay in his own home, with good neutral help there for him, for the rest of his life. But they probably already had my father wipe me out of his will, if he hadn’t when I’d asked him to, in order to make things better for him many years ago. Even if I am still in his will I do not think that giving my sisters my share would help much, because greed is not the only problem in this situation with them sabotaging my father’s relationships with my older brother and I and isolating him in Ohio. Greed is surely the primary motivation in my oldest sister, who is no doubt the ring leader for that part of it. But in my second oldest sister I think its more about sadistic aims to control, possess, manipulate and inflict emotional pain. I have been her primary target since around 1990. And it is clear that she has been using her control over my father, in order to hurt me and to try to manipulate me in various ways, including to silence my stand against her abuse and make me suffer. I knew this and I tried to make her think it would not bother me, but I have not been able to hide how much it does.

In this situation between my father and I; my heart has been standing up for him while he has been lashing out at me, and this has been VERY difficult for me. But my heart will continue to stand for him, because I know that his lashings are just based on his lack of awareness and him being manipulated and brainwashed by my sisters and their children. I think he will not realize the truths about me until after his life here with us is over, but I at least have the consolation of believing that he will at that time. It still hurts though – the fact that my father thinks I am a lieing, hateful, mean, insane person, because it is not true. It hurts a lot. It always has. Its the kind of pain that a family person, like myself, cannot easily recover from, especially when it is still being inflicted.

I tried and I cried.