Song for my Father

Lead Me Home by Jamey Johnson

https://youtu.be/3rbW8rbpQ9I?si=IUKF1QZTk17Kva82

I share more about my father's passing on this page; 
https://sharonrosepoet.blogspot.com/p/my-fathers-death-and-rebirth.html

Stolen Good-bye

My sisters are not allowing a wake for our father. And I feel that being able to say good-by to a loved one, either when they are on their death bed, or at an open casket wake, is a VERY important and needed closure. A wake for my father was especially important for me, because my sisters had built a hostile wall between him and I, in the last year of his life. Due to this, my plan was to go see him at his wake, and do my own private and peaceful good-bye, after everyone else had left, so that it would not raise any issues for me or anyone else. And being deprived of this feels horrible. Right now its one of my deepest sources of grief.
   My sisters say that this is the way my father wanted it. But I feel absolutely certain that my father did NOT want all of his loved ones, except his two oldest daughters and their children, to be deprived of the chance to say good-bye to him, in person. This was my sister's choice, not his. And its just too wrong.
Because I so deeply grieve this stolen good-bye, there is a little consoling voice, deep inside my heart, that says, "someday you will be able to say good-bye, and even another hello, in a place where they cannot interfere." But I still cry. Right now I just so needed to be able to see him and say good-bye to him.

My heart now aches so, while I cry

I've needed so much to say good-bye

Stolen Good-bye

copyright Sharon Rose Poet 1-20-2024

No wake. No closure.

No chance to say good-bye.

How can they be so mean,

Even right after you die?

The Final Door

copyright Sharon Rose Poet 1-20-2024

She can't hurt him,

To hurt me, anymore;

He's passed through

His final door.

She can't use him

To hurt me, anymore;

His death and wake

Were her final door.

Sorely Missed

copyright Sharon Rose Poet 1-20-2024

I don't now miss Dad anymore than before.

I'd already missed him right down to my core.

I missed the meetings they didn't allow

I missed them then and I miss them now.

I missed the welcome. I missed the care.

I miss what never was even there.

I missed his release from her nigh.

I miss being able to say good-bye.

I share more about my father's passing on this page; 
https://sharonrosepoet.blogspot.com/p/my-fathers-death-and-rebirth.html

My Father's Suffering has Ended

He did not have a good and fulfilling life,

But he is now free of the pain and strife.

My father passed away yesterday afternoon. It appears that my sisters are not allowing a wake, depriving all of his loved ones of that deeply needed closure. This should not be surprising to anyone who knows them or this situation. But it is to me. I so needed that closure.
   I feel relieved that he is no longer suffering and is now free. The phrase, "He is now in a better place," applies doubly in this situation. But I grieve his life - especially his last couple years, which were the complete opposite of what he had wanted and needed, and were filled with unnatural suffering and the intentional deprivation of most of his loved ones and his home, which he had wanted to spend the rest of his life in.
   Not being allowed to be there for him, when he needed my heart the most, has been and still is a VERY great source of pain for me, and I know it was for him too. I hope to use my father's situation, as an example to help pass new laws that protect elderly people from greedy children and emotional and mental abuse and intentional deprivation. He was a victim of all these.

My sisters had, on many occasions, severely deceived my father as their jealous hate fabricated things, in order to turn him against me and destroy our relationship. And I have always felt that, when he dies - when his Spirit is free he will finally see the truth about me. So, there is a part of me that wants to stare down my sisters and say, "NOW HE KNOWS THE TRUTH! YOUR DECEPTIONS CAN'T EXIST BEYOND THE GRAVE." But they wouldn't believe me, anyway. "She's crazy" is what they'd say. 

Last night I wrote the following poems as I was doing a small round of grieving my father's final year and also finding comfort in knowing that he is now free of it. At one point, I felt his Spirit here with me...

Father's Ohio Prison

copyright Sharon Rose Poet 1-19-2024

He dared not make a sound.

As he groped on the ground

With no help or care around.

I saw him crying in that chair.

I felt his pain I could not bare.

No heart could even get there

While he suffered in her snare!

He dared not make a sound.

As he groped on the ground

With no help or care around.

Now he Knows the Truth

copyright Sharon Rose Poet 1-19-2024

I want to smugly say to them
Again and again and again,

"Now Dad knows the whole truth

Of your deceptions so uncouth."

Even as he sees what they do

He loves and forgives them too.

I have not yet reached that place

My anger needs to have it's space.

"Now Dad knows the whole truth

Of your deceptions so uncouth."

But they'd not believe me, anyway.

"She's crazy" is what they'd say.

I'm so, so Sorry, Dad

copyright Sharon Rose Poet 1-19-2024

I'm sorry I should have done more

To save you from their darkest door.

I'm not sure what I could have done

While too isolated from everyone.

But there was something, I'm sure.

I'm so, so sorry I didn't do more.

He's OK Now

copyright Sharon Rose Poet 1-19-2024

"I'm OK" I think he may have just said

In my searching gropes inside my head.

Was it him or only what I want to hear?

Was it just a wish in my unshed tear?

Did I really hear, "We love you bum"

Through leaves glowing in the sun?

Yes I did. His time has truly come.

He'll be smiling there with Mom.

Tears of Relief

copyright Sharon Rose Poet 1-19-2024

Here they finally come - tears of deep relief

Instead of the usual mourning in loss grief.

It means so much more than I can ever say,

To know that you are now finally "OK."

A Special Place

copyright Sharon Rose Poet 1-19-2024

Comfort, truth and Love are saved,

In a special place beyond the Grave,

Where freedom opens up the eyes,

And helps the heart to purge - to cry,

So that those who could not see,

Can finally set their Spirits free.

From Father to Son

copyright Sharon Rose Poet 1-19-2024

If he could speak to you he'd say

Words of comfort from the grave,

"I really do love you"

"You do matter too"

"I'm so, so sorry."

"Forgive me."

"I forgive you."

"I'm free."

"I'm me."

"I see."

I share more about my father's passing on this page; 
https://sharonrosepoet.blogspot.com/p/my-fathers-death-and-rebirth.html

Under Attack

I am experincing a vamp up in microwave weapon attacks and am not feeling well. I'll share more later.

Update on my Father's situation

I’ve not had regular access to my email associated with this blog, for a couple months now. But I’m now able to periodically log in. Yesterday I was told that my father is now on his death bed and only has a few more weeks to live. I also just got an email from the sister, (sent in the first week of December), which blamed my brothers and I for what she had done to prevent us from being there for our father when he needed us most. But she said she forgives us for what she did, so I guess this is supposed to make it all OK. My sisters are trying to save face in emails, but the truth remains VERY evident, because their actions do not fit their words.

I still hope my sisters find their hearts and return OUR father to his home, where he had wanted to remain until his “last breath,” and allow his sons and other loved ones the chance to be there for him in his final weeks. Will they allow his wish to die in his own home and allow his other loved ones the chance to visit him without their usual trouble making interference, now that he is on his death bed? A bit of time will tell.