The holidays were more difficult for me this year, than any other since my mother being taken from us at Christmas time in 1977.
Aside from what was done to my father, around the time of his death, in the past couple years, there has also been what he and my sisters did to me around that time. I knew that the long standing hate filled jealousy in my sisters would deprive me of any inheritance. I knew this since they manipulated and lied their way into gaining complete control of our father’s will and estate twenty years ago. I never expected to get any inheritance. The painful part was the way it was done – with obvious hate and vengeance and dishonesty entwined with heavy doses of mental abuse and emotional abuse…and some of it seeming to come from my father.
I had not expected the vengeful and abusive and dishonest directive to my father’s will. And it hurt a lot, because it was like my father, whom I had forgiven and made peace with years ago, cruelly and vengefully striking out at me from his grave, while I was in state of grief and feeling nothing but love and concern for him. It hurt like hell.
I knew that BOTH of my sister’s had manipulated him into it, and had most likely even created the last version of the directive without him even being aware of it. But, it still struck me hard. In the months after this I struggled to move past it and bring my good memories of my father back into the foreground, instead of just feeling betrayed and abused by him at the time of his death. I struggled to wipe out the picture of him cruelly swinging an axe at me, and replace it with him being too kind to be so hateful, like he used to be…or like I'd thought he was. I don’t really know him anymore. Perhaps I never did.
I was recently told that my father’s home was quickly sold and the inheritance divided between most family members (in the usual unfair ways that my sister’s have always operated in), many months ago. It appears that my sisters took most of his money for themselves, both before and after his death. And the rest was divided between other family members.
And here I am – a family member whom they know is literally homeless and financially struggling for many years now… and not one member of my family offered to share any of the inheritance with me. Like I said, I knew that my sisters would hatefully deprive me, because their jealous hate of me has been there all my life. But I had just recently wondered if any other family member would offer to share part of the inheritance with me. I wondered this, because, if I were in their shoes, its what I would have done – I would have given the deprived one at lease the portion of what I got, that should have gone to them. I think its what most people would have done in this situation. (Some people would have even contested such an unfair and abusive directive to a will, even if it meant losing their own inheritance.) But not in my family. They all went along with it and got their money months ago and every recipient just took it all for themselves, even though they knew I was being unfairly deprived and was still suffering in a homeless situation. This is not a surprise to me, but it sure makes their lack of care for me blatantly obvious.
I doubt I would have accepted any money from them, so that was no real loss for me, but the lack of care that deprived me of it, and the horribly abusive and vengeful way it was done, hurts a lot. I had previously actually told my father that I did not want any of the inheritance. But I later set things up to make all of my family think that I did want it and would accept it. I did this to see if they would still deprive me, and also so that they could not blame me for their aims to deprive me.
My little inner kid used to cry over feeling too unloved in my own family, and still does to some degree. But now, I am just accepting the fact that most of my family is too abusive and heartless to be what I have always needed and wanted them to be for me as well as for each other, and that they have gotten far worse rather than better in the past couple decades. It’s a VERY sad situation. This is hard for me, because I still love them and sometimes feel as sad for them as I do for myself. But I am accepting the way it is, because there is nothing I can do about it, accept do what I must, in order to protect myself from them. Having to staying away from my family, in order to protect myself, has always been difficult for me, because family is very important to me and my love for them has never wavered. But I can’t make them love me when they don’t and when they even seem to not be capable of doing so. And I can’t let them continue hurting me. I matter too.
The can't stand the heartlessness, I am still ashamed to say
has grown in my family enough to keep me away.
P.S. Parts of my family have actually played active roles in mentally abusing me, emotionally abusing me, and intentionally and hatefully depriving me to keep me suffering in a homeless situation, through the past several years. My older sisters have lead this hate filled drive against me. But many followed it, without regard for me, including my father, no matter how much I had begged for their help. They make it VERY clear that they want to keep me homeless and suffering. And there is a part of me that has actually enjoyed shoving in their face… the fact that I found kindness and consideration at the Concord Social Security offices and am now receiving my retirement social security refunds… that they could not keep me completely deprived and suffering… that I will get back onto my own feet and get a decent home of my own to live in regardless of their ill wishes. Imagine my little inner kid, stomping her foot and shoving her chin up in the air to defiantly say,
“I’m going to stop suffering in destitution even though you don’t want me to. So there!” This is exactly what I am doing. This is my form of revenge.
