On a Personal Level

I rarely write much about myself on this blog anymore, because there is nobody, whom I know of, who both reads it and cares about me, and because there are those who have been looking for things to use against me. My public writings have become mostly just a stand, against the most horrid injustices in our world, with the hope of freedom and safety and genuine peace reaching ALL of humanity as soon as possible. But there is far more than that happening with me.

I have been watching the "Heart Land" series, in efforts to help take my mind off of the violent horrors that are now happening in our troubled world. Its actually a fairly good escape although its about a really dysfunctional family, which is worse than mine in some ways and better than mine in other ways. I love the theme of healing horses. Two of my best friends, in my own childhood were horses, so I can relate to that part a lot. My favorite part, thus far, is when they rescued an elderly herbalist from a nursing home and brought her back home where she belongs. (If only all of humanity had such care for the elderly.)
   Today I watched the episode where Tye lost his estranged father, and it has triggered some of my own grief from the loss of my estranged father. I wonder which is worse; losing an estranged loved one or losing a loved one whom we have remained really close to. I guess its different for different people. For me, its a lot harder to lose an estranged loved one, or a loved one whom I had unresolved issues with.
If my father had passed away, just before I had re-connected with my siblings a few years ago, I would have been far more at peace with it, because at that time, I had reached a place of forgiveness and thought my father had too. But, some of my siblings made things worse between my father and I in the last two years of his life. One of them even intentionally upset my ill father, just to use him against me in the last year of his life. And he died there, trapped in her Ohio home, even though he wanted to return to his own New Hampshire home, and there was nothing I could do to help him.
   The last words I heard from him were angry scoldings mixed with my sister's hateful jabs as she upset him, in order to use him to hurt me, yet another time. And then both of my sisters used his death as an opportunity to abuse me even more. It was a really tough way to lose my father. It was extremely hurtful to both him and I. Its something I can never feel good about or be at peace with, because it was all just too wrong and abusive.

The most painful parts, of the targeting of me, have actually been the parts that my own family members took part in since late 2002. And its hurt so much because I love them and had needed them to be the opposite of what they were then as well as in recent years around the time of my father's illness and death. I can forgive them, but I can't forget or put myself on their chopping block ever again, for the sake of my own wellbeing. So, I basically lost my whole family in ways that feel far worse than a normal death. But I plan to build a memorial, for at least my mother and father, in order to help me finish healing. It's something I really need to do and I hope I can do it soon.

As for my health; I feel mostly recovered from last June's injury, but am still dealing with the remnants of an unusual type of infection. I'm using a lot of garlic and ginger and Mullein and lemon juice and honey, and it is helping. It is better than it was a week ago.
   I am still living in a vehicle. A few setbacks and the targeting have kept me trapped here. But I am still keeping hope alive - I am looking forward to being free and safe on my own peaceful and private piece of land, if ever I am able to get another one. I must have my own private and peaceful land again, for the sake of my health, on every level. So it really does have to happen soon. I am doing the best I can under these conditions. Wish me well please.