In this situation with my father’s death, and my homeless plight being used, in order to try to finish destroying my sanity, my spirituality, my intuition and my heart, is very painful and is an impossible pill to swallow, literally. (No pun intended.)
Getting this blow from my father's grave is really hard. And I know that my sister is not 100% to blame. She is the primary culprit in the mentally abusive and depriving directive, as well as in the past issue between my father and I - issues that have existed since she fabricated emails against him from my account in the 2002/2003 winter. But my father had made his own mistakes too - between then and 2013 he had been engaging in the mental abuse against me, just as much as my sister had. And this had been a massive source of pain for me. I thought I'd cried it all out, in 2004 and in the 2006/2007 winter. But I am now experiencing another round of it, because it is again being done to me now.
I actually never had a lot of respect for my father, because I had always noticed the ways that he'd try to make his wife or children jealous, and the ways that he'd put down my wisdom and then repeat it as if it were his own...etc. (I was hurt a lot, by my father's aims to fuel my sister’s jealousy of me, through going way overboard with praising me in front of them.) He was often like a foolish child, to me. And was never much of a parental figure to me. But I deeply loved him, anyway. And it hurts that he never fully returned my love. I know that he loved me as much as he could. Long ago, I had accepted the fact that he was not capable of loving me as much as I had needed him to. But he should never have been actually aiming to hurt me, no matter what my sister wrote in those emails and no matter what his issues were. It just was not fair to me.
Because my sister has been using and hurting my father, in order to hurt me and sabotage my relationship with my father, since at least 2002, I have mainly and justly blamed her. Even now (in recent years) I am certain that she is the one who is re-raising the old issue, which she'd previously raised between my father and I, in order to hurt and deprive me. But my father made his own mistakes too and they are now pushing their way into the foreground. I had loved my father unconditionally, no matter what he had done to me, but he did not even come close to feeling the same way about me. And this is the painful reality I am now facing. Even though he most likely did not even know what my sister was doing with the directive in 2021, in the deeper past he had gone along with her hateful drive against me in a VERY destructive and painful way...
I wish my father had at least loved me
enough to not want to hurt me.
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